[Excuse the dodgy syntax/structure here, feeling quite sleepy]
Having come back from 10 days travelling in Japan, I feel… refreshed?
The trip was incredible, busy but exhilarating, and gave me a chance to disconnect from the anxiety triggers of ‘normal’ life. I think Japan in particular was a great place to visit, because there was a palpable sense of… contentment(?) amongst the people I saw and spoke with – even just in passing! That’s probably not the right word, but it feels fairly accurate.
I realise more fully now that I’ve been trying to compensate for insecurities by overloading myself with things which apparently ‘need’ doing, whether that’s the gym, assignments or personal tasks. I believe this is still a good way to live, but missing targets was a cause of panic. In fact, the one drawback during Japan was the intensity of my itinerary. Note to self, next time, don’t do so much in so little time.
Despite feeling like I’ve learned something from the experience, already, 12 hours after landing in the UK, I feel that suffocating need to be ‘perfect’ again, and the simultaneous, overwhelming conviction that it’s not possible. I’m going to persevere, though – we need to be happy with being interpreted, misconstrued, forgotten – we cannot control minds. Focus on what faces you – the rest are just brownie points, and too many make you sick.